The Difference of Goodbye

I guess, it's just been two months since I posted my blog about the 5 Elements on how to keep a relationship but I guess I, myself, didn't live up that elements. Just more than a week when my fairy tale halted. Wow! A week was very fast and I didn't noticed the time running. In this long, struggling week, I have to ponder somethings in my mind to fully understand "what went wrong". After sharing some of my thoughts and listening to some stories and various advice from the people I trust and learnt to trust, I have realized that there's a HUGE difference between "Let's break up" and "Let's take our time first".

GOODBYE. What does this really mean? There's a lot of ways to say goodbye. Friendly, casual, formal, hurtful and happy. For couples, this is one of the most hated words. A normal dialog when the relationship is on its end. But what are the real reasons why we always have to say goodbye? 

I DON'T KNOW.

I dreamed of a long relationship with him. I wished that we will be as happy as the other couples that I have known who made their relationships last the longer they planned it. I guess we're not "yet" meant for that stuff. What is really goodbye for us? Goodbye for our relationship? For both of us? Or for the mutual feeling? I realized that we were made for each other but we are in a wrong timing. A week ago, we decided to end our relationship. We decided to say goodbye to the MUTUAL FEELING and stay as good friends. (A typical fan fiction scenario...). It was hard. For a girl like me, I have to cry out all the hurt and sadness that have been bottled up since the day that our relationship went on a rocking ship. My bolster have to suffer the wetness and absorb all those painful tears while I can still manage to text and chat on Facebook. (A typical Internet addict...) I have to muffle my cries so my parents won't hear me and bug me to talk to them about what happened. After a short break up, he manage to say:

                           "Who told you we are over? We are going to stay as friends, right? Friends?

                                     You are such an wonderful person, if you only knew that."

Okay, that made me bawl my eyes out again. 12:59 when he said good night. Awkward because there's no I love you after that, ANYMORE. What makes it worst is that I am acting as an adviser to one of my friends about his "love life". Now, I feel what my fairy godmother feels. Thanks to Gandang Gabi Vice, I became a total bipolar freak. After crying endlessly, moments later I was laughing heartily which is a very DRASTIC change.

On the next day that I woke up, first thing that came into my mind is that no one will ever say "Good morning gwapz, I love you." which is a very sad reality. I kept myself busy with my work and day by day I learnt to love this profession. I told my story to a friend and surprisingly I didn't spill a tear actually I was smiling when I was telling her the story. I was also giving her sometimes a forced smile when I can't bear the pain of reality and a heavy sigh helps me to breathe again normally. Well, maybe ACCEPTANCE will take his role now.

We indeed need time for ourselves. We are just young adults. So why rush? We have all the time in this world. God paused this love story for a while, for us to ponder if we do love each other as significant other or just friends or siblings. We need to find and settle ourselves first, and maybe SOMEDAY our time will come. Maybe not with each other but with the persons that will love us truly. (;_;) It's a happy ending. But as of the moment I settle myself assuming and hoping that he will still be the one. If I will fall in love again, I pray that it would be with him because this separation made me love him more. I know that. Because my heart still keep beating for him and already embedded and embossed his name on the biggest part of it.

I'm glad that my friends are looking into the possibility that we will find each other again. Meeting and talking to him the other day makes me feel that nothing big has changed. Except for the intimacy as lovers. The random laughs, teasing, my abrupt slapping on the different parts of the body and the talks really showed that  he doesn't want to lose me as a person and a friend. But I can't avoid being jealous with the person he texts and chats in the FB. But that is not my right anymore, so I have to brush off the feeling though it is hard as a rock.

Hug~! That was all I want but I didn't have the urge to do it since I don't want any awkwardness at all....

I guess I've really dated a celebrity, like all the fanfics that I have read. maybe God has all the plans. We just have to follow it.

I AM A HAPPY SINGLE LADY NOW. (happy but lonely...)

What Happens in the Story, Happens in Reality

It was a fairy tale. I also treat it as a fan fiction. What I have read from all those stories created by these beautiful minds were SO true. I have seen it and actually experienced it. Fan fiction. Thank you for my undying addiction to KPOP because I have learned different types of stories. It widened my imagination and give me the feeling of having my own beautiful love story. A love story that through ups and downs still 'survives'. But not all fan fiction have beautiful endings. 

Like the story Robotic Boyfriend, where the main girl have to let go of her robotic boyfriend for a month knowing that she developed a mutual feeling same as the robot itself. I know it's impossible but this shows that in love there is nothing impossible. After letting him go, he had to be reprogrammed, losing all his memories with the girl. This is a sad ending. There are also tragic endings like the story Whispers in the Dark, where the male protagonist was killed because of the threats done by the unseen beings. But what amazes me are the types of stories. There are two and threeshots, these are stories with two to three chapters only. But the most famous is the oneshot. A story of one setting. only a short one.

Well, my fan fiction? It's a oneshot and has an ending of the same genre where the characters becomes friends after the breakup. I know this is even possible but being friends with your ex is one kind of a hell!

The sign seeking syndrome went off when I was on the verge of giving up. It was a hard decision. Asking for a sign is hard because you don't have any idea what answer will be given to you. Happy or sad, tragic or not.  I asked for the sunset sign. Why so? I don;t know I just felt that sunset would close all the hurt that I am feeling inside me. All the painful emotion being bottled up inside me. Receiving one text of question and answer made my whole fan fiction experience HIATUS. The same situation, I've read it. When I was reading it I just feel a little sadness but when I was on the story IT FELT LIKE HELL. We have to end it at the day of our 3rd month. I was like dating a celebrity and I was the ordinary girl. We have to give up each because we "don't have time for each other" anymore. Wow! And I have to cry my eyes out. It wasn't the type of ending I want. But what makes me smile behind these painful tears is the realization that he still wants to be friends with me. And I hope it will be the same as always.

It pains me to talk about this for now. It's as fresh as the cut of a knife. Writing this one down makes my tears pour out. but I have no choice but to let it out to the one thing that makes my heart at ease. Writing. Funny isn't it? I was imagining we would reach our 100th day but 10 days away from that day we have to free each other. I never REGRETTED every thing even I didn't have any HARD feelings. Being hurt is natural. Crying is a part of it. I only wished I was able to face him and hug him before I say goodbye to the sweet relationship we had together. HECK! I have to blow my nose several times. My poor pillow was soaked with my tears. 

What keeps me going right now is my English class tomorrow! At least, I have something to keep me busy tomorrow. I just hope I won't exhaust myself. I'm used to crying but I didn't expect that this would hurt twice as what I have felt the first time I cried for 'that' guy. 

"If you're considering giving up on someone...you probably already have."

I just did... And I hope he'll be happy. He'll take care of himself, fix himself and still stand up to what he believes in. I wish all the best in him because I know in the future he'll find that person or we can remake our own story. 

As for me, I have to do good for myself first. Make myself a better person so I can be better to the next person that will light up my life. As for my Frog Prince, he will always have that special space in my heart considering that he picked me up during the days that I was down on my feet. 

GOD planned our lovestory. Too bad he rushed the ending. Acceptance is the cure!